Stuck in a loop

I am stuck in a loop…loop
Suffering from Insomnia drives you crazy and wears you down bit by bit.
Part of the problem is my strong alcoholism,
which at this point went out of hand.
I don’t have the resources to support such a lifestyle,
yet I am here trying to get drunk every night.
At this point, I don’t even know why I started to abuse alcohol that much.
It might be the crippling depression
that has been haunting me for almost 3 years now.
I only have myself to reflect, people judge, people hurt,
that’s the reason why I am anti-social in the first place.
I’ve become something I never wanted to be.
Alone.

Yet I have so many “Online Friends”
that want to be part of my life and share time with me.
I don’t want to turn them down, I am too exhausted to fight,
so I give them all my energy and awareness whenever they call me.
For those Friends, I need to be some sort of Superman that has all the answers and all the time in the world to accompany them whenever they need me.
And when I fail them once, they throw me in the trash, forget about me,
delete me out of their life because in their head there is no room for failure.
I am in war with ghosts, ghosts in my head that hold me back from becoming the one person that I need to be in order
to overcome my depression and escape this loop.

The one “Real Friend” that I have left (“Real” as in social)
does not understand how I feel, he is too ignorant and stuck in his own little loop.
That’s why I keep distance, because he judges, people judge,
I don’t want to be judged, not without them knowing me.
I don’t want them to know me, I am not their Superman…
I don’t want them to turn their backs on me for failing.
I can’t escape the loop.

I am not even able to clean my home proper,
how am I supposed to clean up my life?
I found myself again after searching myself for almost 3 years.
3 years of anxiety, 3 years without confidence, 3 years of suicide thoughts.
I am myself, I don’t want to hide, I stand for my opinions.
I am too tired to fight…

But people judge, so I have to convince them or they turn their backs on me.
I chose to run, to escape the world, so I don’t have to fight anymore.
Now I am alone.
The only family I have left is my aunt.
She has her own life, she got 3 kids, and I chose to run.
More than 500 miles tearing this small family apart now.
I can’t admit that I did a huge mistake, chasing my dreams.
People will judge me for failing, they will turn their backs on me…
I am not a Superman.

It is all in my hands to turn this around.
All I want now is to sleep and never wake up again.
Turn down the voices in my head,
that prevent me from thinking in straight thoughts.
I am driving down a road with a clear dead end to it.
I see the wall.
But I am too tired to fight.
I will fail, and I will judge myself.

Why did you exchange your son for an overdose Mum?
Did you not see the dead end at the end of the road you were driving down?
Why didn’t you take any responsibility for your actions Dad?
Can’t you see that people are judging?
Grandma was the only one fighting for me…
Grandma never judged.
But she got tired of fighting.
Now I am alone.
She never asked to be a superhero.

I have to wake up, I can’t, I am too tired…
People only will stop to judge when I become a Superman.
I am not Superman.